40th Birthday

Well, that was a complete and utter disappointment....

My Dad had this really awesome party (apparently, he didn't like it, and was embarrassed) for his 40th Birthday. His sister put on this really elaborate event that included, not only the people he worked with (which was part of his embarrassment), but other friends, and the whole family was there for it, but she did something that was incredibly thoughtful and showed that she cared about him: she brought up a bunch of memories, and created props, and elaborated in humor over things that defined the nuances of my Dad. To me, as a kid, just 7½ years old, that was the coolest thing, and I got to know who my Dad was, perhaps more in that day than any other day. And I wanted that for me: for me to be shared and recognized, and to see how I am seen.

But I didn't get that.

I even asked for it, very specifically.

My sister brought her family down, which is always great to see them, I love all of them. But my nephew and niece are young and don't always get along, and things get really loud and really crazy, and becomes all about trying to keep them stable each moment... And with my issues of struggling with too much going on around me: noise and chaos, it didn't bode well... And then the conversation throughout the day and evening was not about me, but just random things...no different than any other visit. It was a good visit, but the visit was supposed to be about my birthday, and it wasn't.

I ended up, after laying on the couch for an hour while the other adults talked randomly, leaving with hardly a word, but the few words were cold.

It took me a lot of effort and willpower to decide that I would see my 40th birthday... I almost chose to give up and quit because of how badly my birthday-eve went. I was close to picking up the knife, again...

But I chose to stay.

The morning of my actual birthday, eventually my dad came up to my RV with a thermos of coffee, and we had a good talk, and he was supportive, and understood.

I got down to their house, and the kids greeted me, seemingly forced. And it wasn't long before my sister and her family left... with pretty much no celebration of my birthday while she was with me...

I had managed to make reservations for a campsite in the Pismo Beach South Beach Campground, and a bunch of my parents' friends came, and one friend of mine from church high school youth group that I hadn't seen in 20 years. It was good to see Amber Hassen, it was like no time had passed.

It was an enjoyable evening, my parents' friends had their conversations, and there was bbq steak, bread, and my sister's mother-in-law made a chili, and there was some potato salads... I'm picky with my chili, and I don't really like Cindy's chili, tbh. The potato salad had green onions or chives in it, which I don't like. The bread and steak were good, but bread is gluten and I didn't get much steak....

We made a great choice for the "cake," using those shortcake cup things that the stores sell in packs of 4, topped with lemon curd and strawberries. And the Happy Birthday song was sung to me. :) Though, I never know how to feel during it, how to act...super self-conscious, and uncomfortable, wanting to be giddy, but also feeling the need to be reserved, and not weird......(there's reasons for that)

And then the evening ended, and everyone left...

Though I was in a good mood, and continued to have a good evening by myself, with a campfire and music, it was still empty.

No memories were shared, no pictures, and mostly it was a normal hangout for the other groups of people... with a few minor special things like a bbq at the campground, but the details of the event were nothing special, nothing that would stand out in the memory of those around me: of my nephew.